Tag: self-esteem

A Paragraph on Sex-Positivity: GO!

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At its core, sex-positive individuals like myself see sexuality as a potentially joyful and productive aspect of human life, one that should not be rooted in shame and relegated to whispered conversations. I find it such an important and boundary-breaking way of looking at the world because it doesn’t dictate specific courses of action so much as it promotes comprehensive education and the availability of options for people to make their own decisions. Thus, there is no “one correct” way of experiencing pleasure and/or expressing one’s sexuality, but instead plenty of room for nuance, fluidity, and difference. For me particularly, sex positivity is deeply tied to ideas about feminism, anti-oppression work, and notions of intersectionality; it’s about the individual, but also the community. Bringing a sex positive attitude into practice means striving for the liberation of individuals from structural forms of oppressive control—recognizing that these don’t play out in the same ways for everyone—and asserting the right of people to pursue their sexual pleasure in ways that feel right for them, as long as they do so in a consensual, informed manner.

Tumblin’ Into Self-Love

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The media is everywhere, dictating what we should do, buy, eat, and think. It’s also dictating, subtly and not-so-subtly, how we should look in order to be appreciated and desired. Because we live in a media-heavy world that (overall) uses racist, ableist, sizeist, sexist, homophobic, distorted images in marketing, many people don’t see themselves as represented (or at least not fully). Certain bodies and communities don’t get attention, and if they do, it’s usually negative on some level. Furthermore, based on what’s perpetuated, many people see themselves as flawed and unattractive, creating a barrier to establishing loving, intimate relationships with others and with oneself.

So how can we disrupt the constant signal from mainstream media and learn to love ourselves more? How can we undo some of the damage that has already been caused? Smashing the entire advertising industry and all forms of media is not the immediate solution. There are steps we can take, smaller but meaningful, that involve our media more carefully and surrounding ourselves with positive images and empowering messages.

There are havens for different types of bodies and niches for all sorts of desires and communities out there, and one of those places can be Tumblr.

So what’s Tumblr?
Tumblr is a blogging platform where users can post text, videos, audio, links, images, and quotations to their “tumblelog” and other users can “follow” them. Every member has a “dashboard” where all the posts from the people they follow are aggregated, making staying up to date with other users quick and easy. Its focus isn’t on personal, “journal-like” entries (though those certainly exist in great numbers), but instead on “microblogging” and sharing interesting content. Essentially, Tumblr is both a place and the medium for collage-creation; Tumblr provides the cyber-territory as well as the content that people can use to paste information and build networks.

What makes this different from Livejournal, WordPress, Blogger…?
Unlike other platforms that focus more on the individual’s story (e.g. Livejournal), Tumblr focuses on sharing and dialogue. Due to Tumblr’s structure, it functions as a big social hub for people all over the globe. I think the key is its “reblogging” feature, which allows users to put someone else’s content on their own tumblelog. This, in turn, not only spreads content rapidly (making certain things go viral immediately), but also allows for dialogue between users (when people reblog others’ content and then add on comments and/or more information) that spreads commentary beyond the place where it originated.

And how does this relate to self-esteem?
By making conscious choices about which blogs to follow, people can essentially curate their own little empowerment stream. By providing people with a constant flow of content on their dashboard, Tumblr can help people grow more comfortable with and/or accepting of certain bodies and communities. Like I mentioned earlier, Tumblr can also open up dialogue and facilitate community-building/networking, so people can discuss and come together via this platform. The “dark” side of this is that people can isolate themselves and create a “bubble” that some say excludes and marginalizes as well. However, I’m not advocating for Tumblr to become the one and only tool for consciousness-raising that’s supposed to build community and expand minds and achieve world peace…I’m saying that people can use Tumblr as productive tool to help them in a larger project of self-loving and appreciation.

So where do I go from here? How can I use this tool?
Join Tumblr and follow blogs that you find empowering–blogs that show people like you and/or those that you find attractive. By surrounding yourself with self-selected, positive content, you’ll be able to undo some of the damage that mainstream media has potentially caused, see bodies and opinions that are otherwise invisible, and get in touch with like-minded individuals. Be warned, though, that like any other place where people can post content, you may find certain things offensive and/or triggering, so practice self-care and be aware of what you’re clicking (or what to do in the event that you click something unpleasant). Take the opportunity to also step outside yourself and beyond your comfort zone. Because we all have multiple identities, it’s likely that by following even like-minded individuals, you’ll be exposed to new things that might push your boundaries and/or expand your horizons.

Now that I have Tumblr, how do I start building an empowering dashboard?

  • Take advantage of the fuckyeah[insert noun].tumblr.com phenomenon. Basically, these Tumblrs are repositories for the things they advertise on their URLs (so fuckyeahfreckles would have tons of content related to freckles). There are many useful ones that relate to body image, self-esteem, appearance, sex, erotica, and more! If you want to check for FYs, search for them here: http://isitafyeah.com/. If your desired FY blog doesn’t exist, create and curate it!
  • Look at the Followers Lists for small blogs you find empowering. You can do this with bigger blogs, too, but the more well-known the blog, the harder it will be to sift through followers to find ones that directly appeal to you. Another variant of this is to look at the people who have liked or reblogged certain posts you find empowering and inspiring.
  • Explore Tumblr (http://www.tumblr.com/explore) by clicking on categories or by searching for specific tags (e.g. lace, empowerment, sexy, food, etc.).

Get To Know Your Body: Part II (How to be a Better Patient)

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As a follow-up from my last article, discussing the importance of knowing one’s body and being more educated regarding health, here I bring you a list of tips and advice regarding how to interact with the medical establishment as it relates to one’s own body/health:

Follow doctor’s orders, but if you choose to disregard/modify them, make sure you’re taking informed risks. It’s foolish to assume all patients follow all directions ALL THE TIME. Assess your risks if you’re going to disregard a rule so you can make a truly informed opinion. Don’t believe everything you read online, though the ‘net can be a terrific resource. Trust articles in peer-reviewed journals more than random websites. To be a better consumer of information, you’ll need to up your media literacy skills (but that’s another post entirely). Regardless, as much as you can manage, follow your doctor’s orders!

Be honest with your practitioners. Don’t hide things from them because you’re ashamed or think they might judge you. Whatever the awkwardness, it’s more important to tell them the truth because that information is what will help them take care of you.

If you don’t like your doctor, get a new one. However, don’t confuse “don’t like because they’re incompetent or they make me uncomfortable” for “they sometimes tell me things I don’t want to hear and might be more strict than I want them to be.” Feel free, though, to shop around for a doctor that resonates with you, your personality, and your particular budget/insurance.

Don’t assume “no news is good news.” Doctor’s offices are often swamped, and it’s your responsibility to remember when to get (or at least ask for) your test results.

Before going in for a procedure, look online and talk to your doctor to learn what to expect. This is especially helpful when dealing with first time exams, particularly pelvic and prostate exams. It will help you know the timeline and what will happen, so it might help assuage stress. It can also help you catch if something’s missing! Did the doctor forget to give you something or do a certain procedure? Politely ask them about it, and why they chose not to do it. If you approach it tactfully and not in a condescending or impatient manner, it can be a way to show you’re invested in your health and have done your homework.

Give more information, rather than less. This doesn’t mean bore your doctor with the minutiae of your life, certainly, but that doctors sometimes need more information than we give them. If you think it MIGHT be related to your health, mention it just in case (for example, if you’re taking up a new intense sport, a friend passed away, you’re starting a new diet, etc.). You should also try to be concise, but not at the expense of important details. This is a process of trial and error, and the more you learn about how your body relates to your health and daily activities, the better equipped you’ll be to make these decisions about what’s relevant in the future.

Inspect your body and get in touch with it (literally and figuratively). I’m not saying you need massage oils, Celtic music, and a warm bath (though those can be lovely); I’m just saying pay attention to your body, feel it out, and look for changes. You can only tell when something is deviating from its normal state if you KNOW that normal state is in the first place. Don’t be afraid to touch yourself (again, literally and figuratively); consider it an investment in your health and future.

If you feel strange or develop a lump, a body of symptoms, pains, etc., WRITE IT DOWN. Keep a log of what you’re feeling and when it started, so when (and if) you have to talk to your doctor, you can give them a better picture of what’s going on and how long it has been a certain way.

Be potentially willing to educate your doctor. Though doctors receive a LOT of schooling, there’s a lot of information they still need. Especially when it comes to “alternative lifestyles” or structurally-oppressed groups/minorities, many doctors don’t have the skills and knowledge to treat them in sensitive, aware ways. Not everyone has the privilege/luxury to pick whatever doctor they want or see a doctor that fits their particular needs, so they’ll be in a position in which they need to deal with the hand they’re dealt and educate their practitioner. There are many online and print resources that you can make available to them, so you don’t have to harness all this knowledge on your own! It’s an unfortunate situation, especially for those who are usually placed in a position where they have to educate people around them regarding their identities/lifestyles, but until the structures that build these conditions are addressed and changed, it’s either a choice between educating a doctor or receiving sub-par and potentially inadequate care.

Be aware of language differences and particularly loaded terms. If a doctor asks if you’ve engaged in “risky behavior,” ask what they mean. If a doctor asks if you’ve “used protection during sex,” ask what they mean. These are vague questions loaded with assumptions and, not only is that problematic in itself, it can lead to misinterpreting the question and answering in a way that might sound/feel truthful, but doesn’t get at the meat of the discussion. Know that words you use might not be interpreted in the same way by doctors (especially when it comes to sexual health and sexual activities!).

Check on your family medical history. This is especially helpful when assessing risk factors and patterns of disease! If you are in touch with your biological parents or biological relatives, ask them for their medical history (or records, if they have them). If you’re not in touch with your biological family, start keeping records of your own; these can benefit potential future generations.

Voice your concerns and ask questions. Doctors aren’t mind-readers. If there’s something making you uncomfortable, tell your doctor. If you need to think about it and organize your thoughts beforehand, that’s fine, but make sure to let them know at SOME point. Like any other relationship, a doctor/patient one needs communication, especially because your health depends on it!

Remember what you discussed during the visit. Either ask them to write it down for you or bring a little notepad (or whatever writing device is useful for you). If you have issue with your sight or just prefer things that are audible, bring a small tape-recorder or something like it.

Educate yourself regarding STI-testing. Again, many doctors generally have a limited background in sexual health, so make sure to educate yourself, especially regarding new technologies, tests, and research. “Recommended” tests are based on statistics and population analyses regarding infection rates, but you should ask for tests based on your own sexual history and level of risk/concern, so look up information about those before going into the office. This is crucial for those who are non-monogamous (whether openly or clandestinely) and those who are LGBTQ, since doctors sometimes operate under a model that assumes heterosexuality and monogamy. As I mentioned earlier, language is also important, so make sure you and your provider are very clear about what you’re discussing (e.g. “sex” might mean “penis-in-vagina intercourse” to some people, while it may be a broader category for others).

More specifically, related to certain practices/tests:

  • Don’t go to the OBGYN while you’re menstruating. It makes it much harder and messier to do proper check-ups.
  • If you’re going to get a pap-smear, refrain from intercourse for at least 24 hours.
  • If you’re getting a physical, try to schedule it during NON-winter months, since by then, doctor’s offices are full of flu-ridden people. Read: they’re busier and you’re more likely to get sick, too.

Get To Know Your Body: Part I

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No, really. Get to know it.

I feel everyone should be in touch with their body. Many individuals hand over their health to a practitioner and don’t really check to see what they’re being given and/or told (which can be a problem if the doctor filled out the wrong prescription or didn’t know something integral about the patient’s health that could affect their care). I find it terribly unfortunate that so many people don’t know what’s going on inside them and lay their lives fully in health-care providers’ hands. Not to say we shouldn’t trust doctors, but to trust them blindly is a mistake. Healthcare is a two-way street and I think patients definitely have responsibilities to ensure that they’re getting the best care possible, partially because they have insider knowledge about their bodies/ailments AND because doctors aren’t perfect (did you know many of them receive less than one week of sex-ed as part of their professional training regimen?).

Patients need to know their bodies to better assist clinicians in collecting data to inform decisions about how to proceed in a medical setting AND they also need to educate themselves about the medical processes that are affecting them or COULD affect them (due to risk level, heredity, etc.). However, while I feel it’s somewhat irresponsible to just go to a doctor without knowing anything about one’s body or the medical care one is receiving (or hopes to potentially receive), I must acknowledge that not everyone has access to this sort of information. Heck, not everyone has access to the conversations that would even bring up the need for this type of preparation, never mind the actual information that would aid in it! For that reason, we need to not only urge people to get to know their bodies, but help provide systems that encourage it. We need an approach that deals with the individual, but also the structural issues that create (or help) body shame/fear/ignorance flourish.

With that said, it’s my hope that by personally promoting body-knowledge in certain circles and classes, it will become a more normalized practice and thus spread. Furthermore, there are many different levels of knowledge and awareness about these issues, so while not everyone has to have a PhD, we should all strive to cover as many bases as we can with the backgrounds and life situations in which we are enmeshed.

But back to the point: know your body.

Why? If a patient is unaware of what standard procedures are, what to look for in a provider, how to recognize warning signs for specific illnesses, how could they advocate for themselves and ask for what they need? How could they tell if their doctor forgot something, or if their doctor is incompetent (or, vice-versa, amazing)?

The reason I bring this up is because I’ve gone through some interesting patient/doctor interactions and I’ve reaped the benefits of my preparation. For example, I went to the OB-GYN a few years back and she was very impressed by my knowledge concerning HPV (Human Papilloma Virus), Gardasil (an FDA-approved vaccine that protects against certain strains of HPV), blood-work, and urinalyses. She repeatedly said how amazed she was that I understood all these terms and knew what was going on. I explained that I like knowing what I put in my body and understanding the things I’m told, so whenever I get a lab result, vaccination, or prescription, I look up information about it. For example, when we did my check-up, I talked about how I’d had my Gardasil shots and so I felt I wasn’t super at risk for genital warts, but that I knew the vaccine only protected against certain strains–16, 18, 6, 11–though not all of them, BUT that 2 of those it covered were the ones that caused 90% of genital warts and the other 2 were the ones that caused 70% of cervical cancer. I also discussed that I was skeptical about having a UTI (which parts of my urinalysis seemed to point to) and we both concurred that it was probably just a contaminated sample, citing the number of bacteria and squamous epithelial cells as proof.

Because of this research and knowledge, I was able to ask things and explain some of my concerns while simultaneously pulling in facts to substantiate my questions and comments. I think this was the biggest thing for me, honestly; being informed helped me articulate better what I needed, thought, and was afraid of in a language that was meaningful and appropriate for the setting. Furthermore, it helped me realize when I was later dealing with an incompetent doctor!

Next: how to prepare to be a better-educated patient!

Showing You Care in The Right Language: Part II

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If you’ve read Part I, you’re already familiar with the idea that humans receive and express love and care through 5 main avenues: physical touch, gifts, words of affirmation, acts of service, and quality time. Once you’ve learned what those 5 “languages” are, you can figure out which languages YOU use to express and/or receive love. Then, when you know what your needs are, as well as your partner’s, you can begin to express your love in a fruitful way, and that’s what this article will cover. Remember: to show love, you must do it in a way to which your partner will be receptive! Showing love is not about doing what’s most comfortable for you, but what is most effective and loving for your partner!

Finally, maintaining a healthy & helpful cycle of check-ins to make sure all is running smoothly will guarantee that the love-train keeps chugging along during your relationship. At the end of the article, I’ll also address this.

Note: Though this article will center on romantic pairings, much of this advice can be tailored to ALL sorts of relationships (yes, even the platonic one you may have with your TA!).

Some Tips for Showing Love in All the Languages

Physical Touch

While I could talk about big bedroom moves, touch is oftentimes a much more subtle art; there can be lots of variety depending on what you want to express and to whom. For romantic partner, or even close friends: is there a specific body part that they’re self-conscious about? Sometimes expressing your appreciation for it through touch can work wonders (but be careful: sometimes self-consciousness runs too deep and a lot of attention can actually be harmful). Does your partner walk a lot? Offer them a foot-rub! If you’re in public and don’t want to get too affectionate, try placing a hand on the small of their back, locking pinkies, or brushing their shoulders as you pass them by. Holding hands can also be very powerful, especially as a means to show a variety of emotions, including concern and deep care. Experiment with a slew of affectionate gestures to keep your partner feeling loved in a lot of different situations! For non-romantic partners, pats on the back, firm handshakes, hugs, and other forms of contact can keep them feeling appreciated.

Quality Time

First of all, turn off your phone (or at LEAST set it on vibrate), step away from your computer/TV/electronic device, and focus on your partner. Give them your undivided attention. This is crucial for folks who need quality time. To ensure that this happens, planning weekly “date-nights” that you commit to can be helpful. These can range from all-day Saturday outings to Thursday-night home-cooked dinners, or even 1-hour lunch-breaks a few times a week; it’s up to you & your partner to decide how often and how long these blocks of quality time have to be. Lock these into your calendar and honor them; don’t just reschedule on a whim. Do activities that you both enjoy and allow you to spend time truly being present with each other (read: watching a movie probably rates lower on the scale than walking in the park and talking).

Gifts

Pay close attention to this person, and give them something based on your observations. Do they collect anything? Are they missing a vital rubber-ducky from their huge rubber-ducky collection? Are you on a trip and can you get them something cute from that location (bonus points if you can send it while you’re still on that trip!) that shows more thought than a mere t-shirt or shot-glass? Is there something from their childhood that you could base a gift on? (For example, I had a torrid love affair with a character from an obscure Disney movie and my partner got me a figurine of the character for my birthday, as well as the DVD of the flick for the holidays). Sometimes practical gifts can also be helpful, and they can conveniently straddle the line between gifts & acts of service!

Acts of Service

The magic words are usually “Let me do that for you.” Sneak a peek at your partner’s to-do list for house-chores and surprise them by completing one or more of them. Vacuuming the carpet? Check! Doing the dishes? Check! Watering the plants? Check! The best things are those that will ease their burden, so don’t waste time in helping them out with something that’s completely irrelevant (e.g. perhaps color-coordinating their closet, while cute, is not a huge priority). For college students, it can be something like going to get their mail, printing out their big final paper and delivering it to their professor’s campus box, getting them rolls of quarters for their laundry, taking out their trash, or printing their class readings for the week. With all of these things, though, make sure that your partner is okay with you doing them; while some folks appreciate service, there are certain tasks they want no one else to complete but them! If you don’t want to ask right before doing something, have a conversation about what TYPES of things they’re okay with you doing, so you have a general idea and can make calls based on that.

Words of Affirmation

Words don’t always have to be spoken! Doing the clichéd, but still adorable, post-it note message system can work wonders. You can put a spin on it by leaving them in unexpected places (inside sock drawers, on ceilings, in the fridge, in closets, in shoes) or by giving unexpected compliments (mentioning that you noticed how the freckles on their arm align perfectly to mimic the Big Dipper can show your attention to detail!). This also works well with folks with whom you don’t have a romantic relationship; sending a thank-you card in the mail in this digital age can give some folks the warm n’ fuzzies. Another cool (and potentially anonymous) way of showing you care could be by creating an “event” in this person’s calendar (be it paper-based or digital) to the effect of “National Celebrate How Awesome [Insert their name here] Is Day.” There’s also the tried & true method of simply verbalizing “I like/love/appreciate you!”

Keeping It All In Check

Dr. Chapman recommends doing regular “tank checks” throughout the week. By conceptualizing one’s feelings of being loved as liquid filling an imaginary tank, one can develop a vocabulary to describe feelings in a very concrete way. If one’s “love-tank” level is low, there’s a need to fill it up! Through this metaphor and through the practice of checking the “tanks” regularly, partners can develop a habit of communicating about how they’re feeling and what they need without resorting to passive-aggressive complaints or awkwardly worded pleas for attention.

A possible way to do this is to ask your partner “How is your love tank tonight?” If, on a scale from zero to ten (or whatever you devise), it is less than the maximum, ask them “What can I do to help fill it?” Then, follow through as best you can!

If yours is the tank that is feeling low and your partner hasn’t asked you about it, take initiative and bring it up. Let them know how you feel, and have some concrete ideas that they can grab onto so they can help make you feel better. You could say something like “Hey, my love tank is feeling a little empty right now. I think some cuddling would make it feel fuller. Could we snuggle and watch a movie after dinner or something?” Remember to be realistic, and always try to come up with a few options just in case one or more of them aren’t viable at the moment. Partners aren’t mind-readers, and holding them up to unrealistic and unexplained expectations will only be a disappointment for everyone involved.

Showing You Care in The Right Language: Part I

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Have you ever been in a relationship where you feel you’re giving someone gallons of affection…and they don’t seem to realize or appreciate it? Or worse: they complain that you’re not showing them enough love? Before cursing your communication stars or complaining that your partner just doesn’t “get it” and you couldn’t be MORE loving, consider the following: maybe you’re just not speaking the same language (love-language, that is).

According to Dr. Gary Chapman, in his book “The 5 Love Languages,” there are five main “languages” in which people can receive and express care. When people’s languages for showing love are not compatible with the languages in which their partners receive love, all parties involved can feel at a loss. So how can you avoid having this happen? The first step is to learn what the love languages are! Then, you’ll be ready to analyze and figure out which ones are yours and which ones are your partner’s. (Stay tuned for part II where I’ll talk about how to show your love in fruitful ways and how to keep a relationship love-steady.)

The Five Love Languages

Physical Touch

This is perhaps one of the most well-known languages, one of the “oh, that’s obvious!” ones. It’s that attitude of “it’s obvious,” though, that can lead to miscommunication with partners; not everyone enjoys touch to the same degree! Touch can encompass a wide range of expressions, too, from sexual contact to a totally platonic holding of hands while walking down the street to grab dinner; it’s not just about the hot n’ heavy. Touch can also embody a wide range of emotions: concern, care, love, comfort, excitement, happiness, the list goes on. For people whose primary love language is touch, feeling physically/spatially distant from their partner can be torturous, as their connections thrive with proximity.

Quality Time

For folks who are into quality time, that usually means turning off all electronic devices and having their partner’s undivided attention. Chores, the day’s stresses, kids, friends, ringing telephones, dirty dishes–all of these should take a backseat for a while. Showing someone love in this fashion means making them feel special and taken care of, so make sure you eliminate all distractions and keep your attention focused on them. For that same reason, try your best to minimize the number of postponed dates or cancelled engagements with them, since those can be extra hurtful. Also, when having a conversation, no matter how trivial, it can feel distancing to have a partner constantly checking their email or texting, so please pocket your phone!

Gifts

This is not about being materialistic, money-hungry, or obsessed with accumulating things! For folks who are into receiving gifts as a love language, the important thing is the thought behind the gift–the effort and attention to detail, rather than the fact that they’re getting an object. Perfect gifts show their receiver that the giver knows them, is listening, and cares for them. For these folks, hastily-thought-up gifts, missed anniversary presents, and things of that nature can feel pretty terrible.

Acts of Service

Easing the burden on someone can be a truly meaningful act of love, and for those whose primary love language is “acts of service,” it’s one of the most meaningful of all. For those folks, something as seemingly “trivial” as having their laundry taken care of, or their dishes cleaned, can mean the world. Like with the language of receiving gifts, it’s less about the actual object or thing being done/given, but the emotion behind it. While the burden being eased is a big draw, the fact that someone is taking the time to do them a favor is what really sets this person’s heart aflutter. For that same reason, being flaky, lazy, unpredictable, and irresponsible when it comes to fulfilling obligations or doing tasks can really hurt and irritate your partner.

Words of Affirmation

For folks who are into words of affirmation, compliments can be everything. Kind words that show you appreciate them, that you’re listening, that you validate their feelings…all of these can work wonders. For that same reason, be very mindful when critiquing your partner; watch your language carefully so you don’t unintentionally hurt their feelings. This should be a general rule, of course, but for people who know their partners are particularly sensitive to words, this should be an even higher priority.

Figuring Out Your Love Languages

For how you express love, start off by asking yourself a few questions:

How do I usually express my love to others? When I want to show someone how much I value them, what do I immediately try to do? Does it vary depending on the person? What factors go into how I express my love? Does it vary when I’m in public versus when I’m in private?

For how you receive love, ask yourself the following:

When I feel unloved, what do I feel is missing? When I’ve been feeling unappreciated in the past, what have people done to cheer me up? In bad relationships, what do I usually complain about? What things have people done for me that have made me feel really good and appreciated?

Once you’ve answered these questions, you’ll have a better idea of how you usually express love and prefer to have love shown to you. Remember: they don’t have to be the same language (and they usually aren’t!).

Sex-Ed

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Because being a minor doesn’t mean sex isn’t on the brain. 🙂

In fact, it probably means it’s on the brain MORE…and that’s why we need positive, accurate information regarding sexual health, not to mention an eradication of abstinence-only programs that don’t provide the appropriate tools for teens to make their own choices about sex and their bodies. Omitting information and knowingly neglecting to address certain issues and questions is reprehensible!

So here are some resources for the under-18 crowd (or anyone in need of some sweet sex-ed?), courtesy of Violet Blue. 🙂

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Don’t believe the hype! Get real sex info on these bad-azz sites.

Just because you’re under 18 doesn’t mean you shouldn’t know the truth about sex, and what other people are asking about it. Plus, a lot of things you hear in school are sex myths and could get you in trouble, so you really need to know what’s up (down there). These sites will tell you all about sex and staying safe, while staying cool with your friends and yourself. Also, if you’re not sure about how you feel about sex, if you might think you’re not like everyone else, or think you know a gay or transgender person (or like WTF gay sex is!?), these sites will tell you what’s up.

They can even help parents get a clue about something you need to tell them, or want to ask about.

Teenwire

Lots of good information about teen sexuality and how to have healthy relationships. Some portions en español. Sponsored by Planned Parenthood.

San Francisco Sex Information

Free and anonymous way to have sex questions answered.

Sex, Etc.

Created by teens for teens. Great info about pregnancy and infection prevention.

Go Ask Alice

Answers tons of questions about almost any sex or relationship related question. Columbia University Health Education Program.

Coalition for Positive Sexuality

Boring name but great info, like why sex feels good, not just STDs and pregnancy prevention. Also en español.

TeenGrowth

General teen health site with medical advisory board. Lots of information.

Advocates for Youth

Do something about how lame sex ed is in school! They have great resources; also en español.

Scarleteen

Excellent sex-positive, realistic info about pleasure and sexuality. Made for all genders but particularly girl-friendly.

Not-2-Late

information about the emergency contraceptive and where/how to get it. Also en español and en français and Arabic.

OutProud

OMG: the National Coalition for Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual and Transgender Youth offers *tons* of info and resources.

The Midwest Teen Sex Show

Super funny video show about everything from older boyfriends to backdoor sex: great teen sex topics (but not how-to’s) and your parents ahould watch it too.

Violet Blue ® 2009. Accept no imitations. Tiny Nibbles copyright 2001-2009.

Some Good Questions

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What does it mean to love someone? What does it mean to have a very strong friendship? What is the meaning of compassion, and of respect, and of happiness? What does being confident in myself and confident in others entail? How do I balance everything out and constantly remain mindful of others’ feelings? What is trust and who am I willing to trust and why? What is the extent of what I can feel for one person? For more than one person? What type of relationship do I want to have here, with each individual? What are my needs? Are they being met? What are my fears? What are my notions of what being in love “should be like/is,” and is it possible that I’m subscribing to a single model when there are actually many more out there (that are different, and perhaps even more fulfilling)? Do I yearn for something traditional, and if I do, is it because I honestly want it and believe in it OR because it’s easier to deal with and easier to explain to people like my parents?

Real Women Have _______ [edited]

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Statement by Gabrielle Hennessey via Flickr.

I hate Dove’s “Real Women Have Curves” slogan with a passion. I stuffed my bra in seventh grade because of ideas like that, because of society’s undying belief that Breasts = Woman. A few days ago I walked into a store and a fellow shopper didn’t hesitate to tell her partner that my body was “gross.”

She said this while three or four feet away from me. I assume she wanted me to hear her and feel bad about my alleged eating disorder/unhealthiness/low self esteem, so that I’d go home and cry over some bonbons about my wasted life and listen to Christina Aguilera and discover my inner beauty and suddenly gain thirty pounds so I could be normal like her.

Real women have hearts and blood and bones. They have skin that breaks and nerves that feel the cold. They are made up of carbon and water and constantly renewing cells. They know who they are.

Real women may not have breasts. They may not even have vaginas. They might like girls or boys or a bit of both or neither at all. They may not always consider themselves to be women, or they might have to fight to be called such since no one else believes them.

Find a new slogan, Dove. Thousands of the people you’ve unwittingly condemned as Not Real Women are waiting.

Enjoy your profits.

Oh, labels. What makes a “woman”? What makes someone “[insert group here]”? What makes someone anything? If breasts don’t make a woman, what does? Is it the chromosomes? Is it the genital appearance? Is it the clothes? Is it other people’s perception of them as a member of a certain group? Is it a certain grouping of these aforementioned things? Is it an intangible essence, a “je ne sais quoi” of “woman-ness”? What does that even MEAN? And why is it necessary to make this distinction?

If we reduce these broad categories (e.g. woman, man, Latin@, homosexual, American, etc) to a list of “traits,” no one person will embody all of them. However, devoid of things that describe a label or devoid of things that make UP a definition, categories become meaningless. With no signified, the signifier becomes empty–just surface, with nothing beneath it. We keep using these terms in hopes that they will represent our realities somehow and allow us to communicate with one another, and ourselves.

The problem with all labels is that they ultimately define through exclusion; they purport to build a community based on, yes, shared traits or ideas or WHATEVER, but it always happens at the expense of keeping “something” out. Now, don’t get me wrong; I’m not going to ask for the abolition of all labels and categories because I DO find them useful (although inherently flawed). What I’m going to ask for is the fluidity and openness of thought to think outside those categories and constantly question them. What I’m going to ask for is a critical, analytical approach to definitions and life in general–one that will allow for change, multiplicity, and a degree of uncertainty about it all.

Next time you ask yourself “Oh, is that person [insert label here]?,” ask YOURSELF why you even need to know. Not because you don’t need to know the answer to your original question (maybe you do, maybe you don’t, whatever), but because I feel an integral part of understanding the world is understanding (or at least trying to understand) ourselves. Being introspective and looking at our own minds and our own actions in a way that is honest, questioning, and even slightly playful (because taking things seriously 24/7 only leads to nasties like high blood-pressure and a permanently furrowed brow) can tell us a lot about the world and why we perceive it the way we do. Asking yourself why you need to know if the person sitting next to you on the bus is “a girl or a boy” or “Mexican or Asian” will probably (eventually?) show you some of your own preconceptions, and by becoming self-aware, you can finally begin a process of growth and change. You can’t break the bars of cages you can’t see.